EXCLUSIVE: We Made Up Some Shit About Rickshaw Drivers Selling Drugs

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AN UNDERCOVER reporter from WWN’s Scandal Department was given bus fare to head up to Dublin and investigate claims that drugs are being sold on the mean streets of the big smoke by rickshaw drivers. We were shocked and appalled by the results.

A rival publication recently revealed the most shocking news to reach print in Ireland in decades, leaving many to question the once idyllic view they had of Ireland’s modern capital city.

Could it be true? Was it really the case that things had gotten this bad? I needed to know for myself, confirm it as fact, that in this day and age a journalist had to leave their newsroom in order to procure cocaine and other drugs.

Still reeling from this grotesque version of Dublin I could not reconcile myself with, I disembarked my bus in the centre of the city and set about finding these rickshaw drivers who shockingly I had learned were also foreign ‘looking’ and ‘sounding’.

However, given my uncouth non-Dublin ways I hadn’t realised the majority of drivers/foreigners only operate at night. Left with hours to amuse myself, I went from office building to office building to ask the city’s workforce if they too experienced the same hardship when it came to purchasing their cocaine.

To my relief almost all businesses, be they accountancy firms, law firms, ad agencies, property management firms, Garda stations, retail outlets, primary schools or newsrooms did not have to go to such an effort to gain access to weed, pills, cocaine and whatever you’re having yourself.

“Ha-ha, hang around in the cold and chat to a rickshaw driver… just to get drugs? No sure Sean is our office contact, he knows another lad, Tomas, who just brings in everything on a Friday if anyone is planning a mad weekend, sound lad actually,” one journalist explained to us.

It seemed a waste of a journey to the sprawling urbane metropolis that is Dublin, however, keenly aware of my journalistic duty, I hung around the city as the light faded and managed to talk to one rickshaw driver and ask him for drugs.

“No, I don’t sell any, sorry,” the driver responded. Despite his answer, I could tell behind his rickshaw driving exterior that he was a man who could get me drugs if he really wanted to, which when you think about it, is a truly terrifying prospect. In fact, I would go as far as to say he knew I was an undercover journalist and simply lied to me in a bid to disguise the fact he was a kingpin, the like of which Ireland has never seen before. Disgusting.

He almost seemed amused by the prospect of an Irish person having to walk in the cold and converse with someone like a rickshaw driver in order to buy some drugs. Once again, simply disgusting.

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