“Booze, Women & Little Shits” WWN Investigates The Life Of Shopping Centre Santas

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BEHIND the joys of getting to sit on a chair all day and being encouraged to gain weight lies the true horrors we, the public, fail to contemplate about shopping centre Santas. As a WWN correspondent discovered when he went undercover; it is a sea of booze, women and little shits.

“Have you ever punched a child in the face? I can’t recommend it highly enough”

Seemingly the first rule of Santa club is take no shit from the little shits. I’m receiving a crash course in the do’s and don’ts of Santa life from veteran Santa, Liam Claus. The name change was a choice to further his career in the trade, which resulted in Liam getting the prime shopping centre spots in Ireland.

“Up on Santa’s chair, I’m basically a God. I own you, and your little shit kids,” the happy go lucky dishevelled shell of a man added.

The hours are long, the job thankless and harder than it looks, but how does one cope with the stress?

“I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with entrusting your children to men dressing up as an overweight toymaker, but just know that the majority of us need at least a shoulder of whiskey to get us to lunch.”

Within minutes of my first day on the job Liam glued a bottle of whiskey to my hand, and instructed me to only stop drinking when my ‘ears were too drunk to hear children’. Unaware such a thing was scientifically possible, I gave it my best attempt.

“Can I have a Playstation 4 and an Xbox and shares in Apple and mommy and daddy getting back together” – it was a haze of outlandish requests. I glued a second bottle of whiskey to my free hand, however Liam insisted he had hit upon a scheme which made this all worthwhile.

“Just before a kid jumps on my lap I whisper ‘how much will you pay me not to tell this fucker I’m not real’ to their parent. 90% of them, they fork over upwards of €200. D4 mothers have just handed me the keys to their 4x4s then and there. Granted, they still punch me in the face, but these are the risks of the job”.

A record number of shopping centre Santas were stabbed to death by children last year when they refused to agree to handing over all their presents on their list then and there. However, where there is risk, there is also reward.

“The mothers are just drawn to me when I’m in this costume. They are obviously tapping into unresolved sexual desires they had when they were younger. Santa being a stand in for Dad and that, the fathers aren’t immune either,” Liam shared before admitting to sleeping with over 1,000 mothers and fathers over the years.

“They really give it their all, they give you the ride of your life, it’s like a Pavlovian response – if they perform well, they think they’ll be rewarded with a present”.

I put Liam’s theory to the test, but found with too much whiskey on-board, I was just an overweight Santa mumbling words and scaring the children.

I had already developed a drinking problem and two black eyes during my first day on the job. Where had Liam learned his trade and from whom?

“Some people go full on method, I used to split shifts in Blanchardstown Shopping Centre with a lad called Daniel, he said he was an actor preparing for a movie or something. He never broke character, he was full on making toys out the back himself, carving away. He commuted from Lapland and everything. He’s my inspiration.”

Now, to my last child of the day.

“I’ll take 10 grand in cash fat man, and don’t think I won’t use it,” said the 4-year-old brandishing a knife.

My ears were not childproof, I had clearly made the fatal error of not drinking enough whiskey…and not wearing a stab proof Santa suit as Liam had advised me to do.

[WWN-Post-Info-Box]Bad Santa 2 is in cinemas Wednesday 23rd November, check out just how bad a Santa can be in the trailer HERE[/WWN-Post-Info-Box]

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