Invoice Shows Sellafield Spent “A Worrying Amount” On Duct Tape Last Year

SELLAFIELD chiefs have dismissed a catalogue of safety concerns outlined in a recent BBC documentary, but have remained tight-lipped as to why they spent close to £1m sterling on rolls of duct tape, tubes of no-more-nails, and bicycle repair kits during the first six months of 2016.

In a Panorama special aired this week, parts of the nuclear facility were said to be ‘dangerously run-down’, and critically understaffed to cope with nuclear emergency.

As Ireland’s closest source of nuclear contamination, a team from the Dáil were sent to investigate the Cumbrian facility, and were immediately drawn to an invoice for a local hardware shop which Sellafield caretakers had ‘completely cleaned out’ of high-strength repair tape.

“We were also worried that they seemed to have the Mythbusters episode where they make a boat out of duct tape playing on a constant loop on their desktops,” said one Irish safety inspector, who hasn’t been feeling all that well since visiting the nuclear plant.

“But other than that, everything seems to be in order. With that being said, the only thing I know about nuclear power plants is what I’ve seen on the Simpsons, and Sellafield seems to be at least as safe as that one. Springfield seems grand, doesn’t it?”

In an unrelated note, the government has asked the population to dig out their old iodine tablets, for no particular reason.