Decontamination Team Should Have Stradbally Back To Normal By October

A TEAM of decontamination specialists have begun work on the Electric Picnic grounds in Stradbally, in a bid to clean up the area following this year’s festival.

Wearing specialised hazmat outfits to protect them from the effects of the now-contaminated environment around the campsites, the team will work day and night in a bid to cleanse the area of hundreds of cubic tonnes of bodily dirt, drug residue, sex-related fluids, and general festival unpleasantness.

The team must work quickly in a bid to prevent the toxic soup from reaching the local waterways, where it could seep into the drinking supply for nearby towns, and poison thousands of harmless Laois people.

“There’s enough semen spilled into the soil to impregnate the half of Leinster,” said one of the ‘scrub-team’ members, picking his way through the remains of the Oscar Wilde campsite.

“Plus you’ve got tens of thousands of bodies all soaked in the rain, then all that drips off the over the days and soaks into the ground. This place is almost as hazardous to your health as Chernobyl, and we have until next month to clean it or the damage will be irreparable”.

WWN concluded our coverage of the clean-up and spent the next hour getting scrubbed down in a de-contamination zone by two lads with yard brushes.