Pistorius Dry Retches In Court For Old Times Sake


OSCAR PISTORIUS dry retched in court for what he called ‘for old times sake’ yesterday during his sentencing hearing, with the former Olympian knowing that fresh from being sentenced to 6 years in prison this would be the last chance he would get to do so.

“I’m fairly certain I won’t get a chance to parade around the court again in a fashion that brought further misery to those closest to my victim,” Pistorius confirmed as he worked himself up to the point he could half-heartedly make it look like his actions had something approaching a lasting affect on him.

The murderer admitted to feeling like no court appearance would be complete without his signature feigning of genuine emotion, and put the need to dry retch down to ‘muscle memory’.

The sentencing of the South African to 6 years in prison for murder has brought some solace to the family of the woman he murdered, Reeva Steenkamp.

However, more importantly, it is believed to be of greater comfort to the thousands of people with nothing better to do than watch the trial of someone they previously had no interest in on Sky News 24 hours a day. It is believed many people watching from outside of South Africa were equally invested in the other 17,000 murders committed in the country that same year.

“Relief, I suppose, yeah, relief,” shared local Waterford woman Angela D’Arcy, who took an interest in the case as some of the more sensationalist details were relayed to her on TVon a daily basis over and over again.

“I’ve never watched the Paralympics in my life, never had much interest in any athletics to be honest, but that bastard has ensured that, was I to flick it on TV by accident – it would just be tainted, ya know?” D’Arcy concluded.

Judicial commentators in South Africa have reassured people on the internet who are outraged that Pistorius only received 6 years in prison to be patient, as in all likelihood Pistorius will be murdered by an angry mob upon his release.