Scented Candle Hacks Family To Death


MANY people’s worst fears about scented candles since news of their cancer causing powers emerged have been realised after an innocent family was hacked to death by what officers believe was a Yankee Candle Lemon Lavender.

The scene at a Bundoran home in Donegal resembled a horror movie, according to journalists who haven’t seen inside the house, but wild speculation has confirmed a number of realities about the most dangerous threat to human civilisation since the Nazi party.

Bundoran gardaí on the scene confirmed that the chief suspect in the murder of Ciara O’Connell and her husband David, and son Conor was the newly revealed cancer causer that is the scented candle.

“We’re fairly certain the candle did it, we’d got heed of some information earlier in the week that these candles do be causing cancer, and now we haven’t seen the research, but there’s nothing to suggest that the candles aren’t also homicidal,” Garda Gerry Byrne explained to WWN.

On sight forensic experts backed up the guards claims when they spoke to WWN.

“There’s wax littered in and around various candle holders, so the conclusion is clear, that sweet lemon scent is their calling card, what other proof do you need,” asked forensics expert Patricia Shannon, “the only takeaway from this is that the scented candle prevented them from dying of cancer, which hints at some humanity”.

The wider Bundoran community has been shocked by the events with a number of people swearing off candles for life.

“I told them, did they not see the news about the candles, but Ciara, the mam, she wouldn’t listen to me,” confirmed neighbour of the slain family Frances Kelly, “you wouldn’t catch me with a scented candle these days, and we don’t have the electricity neither, what with the cancer that it gives you too.

Gardaí have asked that anyone with information on or sightings of the Yankee Candle contact them immediately.