Where Are They Now? Kony 2012

253
0
Share:

He was the breakout star of the most popular viral video during the period of March 5th to March 31st of 2012, but since then many people have asked the question: where is Kony 2012?

WWN’s investigative team can, after painstaking research, finally reveal the answer:

Kony 2012, now going under the name Kony 2015, is still enslaving children into his violent militia, but he has failed to reach the levels of public notoriety that greeted him during those heady few weeks in March 2012.

His current whereabouts has been the subject of much speculation, and so, to gain an insight into the last known verifiable location of Kony we enlisted the help of Buzzfeed, a publication which did much to highlight the cruel warlord and his evil works.

Buzzfeed HQ in New York was full of life, a hive of activity from the moment I stepped in the door. Its staff; a healthy mix of young and old, male and female journalists, were hard at work trying to find the next big viral hit and compiling a series of complimentary gifs that somehow, against all odds, defined someone’s life.

I was introduced to a crack team of viral content experts known as Viral Sniffers. Three of the four person team had been at Buzzfeed when they helped to break the Kony 2012 phenomenon, and while Hayley, Joel and Suzanne were too modest to allude to it in my company, they also broke the great blue/white dress debate of the 21st century. Joined by Joseph in early 2013, it was these four people who were basically responsible for guiding our eyeballs to the latest and greatest viral content.

Joseph was considerably older than the rest of the team, but I was assured he had an incredible ability to ‘sniff that viral content real good’.

“Suzanne is originally from Tokyo, Joel is German and I grew up in Africa; it is a great mix of personnel and we bring a different perspective on things,” Joseph told me as he explained his passion for finding viral content.

Hayley, Joel and Suzanne were then called away to an emergency meeting about a new video of a kitten defecating on Ryan Gosling.

It was at this juncture that Joseph’s demeanour changed significantly.

“Quick, have you any photos on your phone that could go viral? Any cat videos? Do you have a quiz about how to become Jennifer Lawrence’s best friend?” Joseph asked as he stood towering over me.

I told him I couldn’t help him, but he continued to press me.

“Please I need to keep things going viral, I need to make people forget about ever hearing of Kony 2012,” Joseph said, piquing my interest greatly. Why would this be important to an African Buzzfeed employee in his 50s?

“Because I am Kony 2012”.

nrm_1409164501-buzzfeed_office

A shock pulsated through my every fibre, this couldn’t be. How could a man so well known, go so unnoticed in, of all places, the offices of one of the biggest internet publishers in the world?

Joseph showed me his passport and there in plain English was written ‘Kony 2012’. I was angry, and frankly scared to be in his presence, but I was intrigued to learn more.

“When that video about me became viral I needed a way to suppress it, make it yesterday’s news, and I was struck with an idea – I sent hundreds of websites a remix video of Charlie Bit My Finger and that was it, everyone started to put that on websites, and I could go back to waging a brutal war using child soldiers. It was win win, all round for everyone involved,” Joseph said.

Joseph went on to explain how he applied for a job at Buzzfeed in the hope of spreading more pointless viral content around the web to limit the chance his name would ever surface online and into the minds of people and the authorities that could dethrone him and his militia.

“And Jesus, it’s great here in New York, with the internet the way it is today I don’t have to be on the ground back Africa to control the enslaving of children into my army, I just Dropbox any instruction I have and then carry on here with my job at Buzzfeed”.

I was astounded, and was still struggling to comprehend what I just heard when Joseph, or should I say Kony 2012, informed me that I must never write about what he told me and promptly left the room.

In a desperate bid to get this story out as quickly as possible, I began typing an email to my editor, but Kony returned, this time with a large fish in one hand and his iPhone 6s in the other.

Before I could react Kony slapped me across the face with the fish several times while filming the action on his phone.

Since then, the ‘Hilarious Video of Man Getting Slapped by Fish You HAVE to Watch’ has been viewed almost 78 million times this week. Any attempt I have made to spread the word of Kony’s true location has been eclipsed by his moment of viral genius.

It appears Kony 2015 is more powerful, terrifying and dastardly than Kony 2012.

Share:
X