At the bottom of a derelict mine shaft outside the German resort town of Tegernsee, World War 2 historians and computer scientists have made a discovery that will forever alter our relationship with the internet.
Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference in Munich yesterday, lead investigator Alex Tuttshauble was emphatic.
“The Nazis invented the internet. And we have the emails to prove it.”
Tuttshauble is the award winning documentary filmmaker who previously produced groundbreaking work regarding Hitler’s secret atomic bomb research facilities at Ruegen and Ohrdruf.
“We all knew Hitler was trying to build the atom bomb. But what none of us knew – until now – was that Hitler had a much more devious plan to enslave the world through social media.”
The tangle of copper wires, rusted transistors and cathode tubes that form the heart of Tuttshauble’s discovery may not look much to the untrained eye – but to computer scientist Roger Ganfort it is clear evidence that the Nazis had built an operational broadband hub that might have got occupied Europe online as early as 1946.
“They almost got there,” ventured a visibly enthused Ganfort.
“The Fuhrer’s email account ([email protected]) was already up and running even as the Russians entered Berlin. And we discovered a printout of what was probably the world’s first ever attachment – sent from Hitler to Himmler in March 1945. The image is very grainy, but it appears to show a doctored image of Stalin having sex with Churchill.”
“The pic was probably to be used as a propaganda tool. Or maybe it was just a private joke between the two Nazi masterminds.”
Under the ever-watchful eye of the Gestapo, Nazi Germany was a ruthless totalitarian state that severely limited the personal freedoms of its citizens. However, what the ultra-snoopy Hitler really hungered for was real-time information on peoples’ political views, moods, holiday plans and eating patterns.
“Hitler wanted it all,” added Tuttshauble. “A world wide ‘Volks-web’ of private information that he could browse endlessly for his own perverted needs.”
Over the coming weeks teams of programmers and IT technicians will descend on Tegernsee to painstakingly reassemble the 70-year-old Nazi broadband HQ – with early indicators suggesting a fully functional “Fuhrernet” will attain download speeds of 1kb per day – vastly outperforming most internet connections in rural Ireland.