Irish Lad Using Cheap Toilet Paper Rushed To Hospital With Sore Arse

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There were panicked scenes this afternoon in the A & E department of St. Vincent’s hospital as 23-year-old Dublin native Michael Dunne was rushed through the doors on a trolley with a suspected ‘sore arse’, WWN can exclusively report.

Michael, displaying symptoms of ‘having the hole torn off him’ following the use of a cheap, no-name brand of toilet paper, cried out in pain as he entered the hospital.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” explained John Power, the first doctor to treat Michael said. “It is a well kept secret that men like to treat their back doors with all the care and delicacy of a lost masterpiece belonging Leonardo Da Vinci but sweet Jesus did Michael do a number on himself,” the shocked Doctor added.

“Can someone call my mother,” an emotional Michael was heard calling out from a covered cubicle before adding “I told the bitch 3 ply toilet paper. 3 ply!”

While it is still unclear if Michael will make it through the night WWN spoke exclusively to toilet paper connoisseur James J. Blake about the injuries sustained by Michael.

“I wasn’t familiar with this particular brand but after doing some research I discovered it is actually used as a sandpaper substitute on many building sites in the Middle East so it’s not looking good,” explained James.

It is believed as many as 7 out 10 every Irish men see their GP on a weekly basis seeking counsel and advice on various itches and uncomfortable toilet paper related concerns.

A WWN poll revealed that a whopping 87% of Irish men care more about finding the perfect toilet paper for their delicate bottoms than about useless things like their career, marriage and children.

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