Man Treating His Girlfriend Like A Human Being Making The Rest Of Us Look Bad

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Wicklow man Simon Goggins has received widespread criticism from his friends, his family and even complete strangers as the public were made aware of the way he has been treating his girlfriend Clare Goulding.

Simon, a 26-year-old carpenter from Arklow has angered countless people following recorded incidents of kindness, decency and thoughtfulness.

“What the fuck does he think he is playing at?” Remarked angry friend Niall O’Donovan. “If my missus catches wind of the fact that Simon is opening doors for her and saying ‘I love you’, she’ll be expecting the same treatment. He’s an awful prick,” concluded the agitated friend.

There is a real fear amongst the male half of the population that, were the women of Ireland to learn of Simon’s gross and hideous kindness it may bring an end to the lengthy status quo of not making any effort.

“I saw Clare put up some status on Facebook about getting a great massage from Simon. If the wife so much as asks me to fart in her face I’ll kill that Simon fella. I destroyed the wifi box and cancelled the internet at home just to make sure the wife Siobhan never saw the status,” shared a visibly shaken Gary Bowe.

Simon is believed to be part of the 1.8% of men throughout the world who treat their girlfriend with intangible things like dignity and love which are alien to most normal men.

“It’s too late for me now, I’ve off on a cycle up the mountains on a ‘bonding love trip’, I’ll be honest all those words terrify me, but put them in the same sentence together and well, I’ll shit myself,” explained Simon’s now ex-best friend Cian Mangan.

If you have been affected in any way, by the way Simon is treating his girlfriend please contact the emergency services immediately.

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