Jealous Nation Descends On Spotless Kilkenny With Their Rubbish


While Kilkenny and its people were celebrating the news that they have retained the crown of Ireland’s Cleanest City the rest of the Nation of busying itself gathering up all manner of rubbish that they had earmarked for the town.

“I don’t get what’s so good about Kilkenny anyway,” said disgruntled Corkman Phil Young as he melted before this reporter’s eyes upon seeing a beautiful, life changing flowerbed house on a roundabout.

“I’d actually forgotten that competition yoke existed until I heard on the news, but now that those smug do gooders have worn it, I know exactly where I’ll be dumping my Christmas tree on the sly,” shared Laois man Noel Grogan, expressing that rare Irish quality of begrudgery.

The sentiment expressed by Laoisman Noel is seemingly shared by the rest of the Nation too. AA Roadwatch has reported serious tailbacks entering into the centre of Kilkenny with traffic jams solely populated by people with bulging boots of rubbish and waste looking to ‘take the city down a peg or two’.

“Ah, look it, I’d love to say Kilkenny is getting too big for its boots and that’s why I’m dumping it here, but at the end of the day I just want to chuck out a few unwanted Christmas presents without having to pay a dump, ya know?” said Sarah Lyons, a Carlow mother-of-two.

Many people stuck in traffic felt angered by the An Taisce’s decision to award Kilkenny with the title of Ireland’s Cleanest City and this feeling was expressed by Martin Ryan of Naas in Kildare.

“No eejit’s telling me what town is tidy and what one isn’t, that’s the government losing the run of themselves. Where did I get all my rubbish? Outside the local shops in Naas. Ah sure they’d throw a baby into a fire there without so much as a ‘hello’.”

Local Kilkenny residents are said to be shocked at the reaction from surrounding counties but conceded that it’s not surprising really ‘considering what filthy kips they hail from.’