State Of Emergency Called As Majority Of Britons Hospitalised With Phantom Labour Pains



A STATE of emergency has been called in the UK today after millions of Britons queued throughout the morning outside local hospitals, with what has been called the largest epidemic of ‘phantom labour pains’ the world has ever seen.

Thousands of hospitals and clinics across the country have been inundated with people suffering from the sympathy pain, which experts believe was triggered by Kate Middleton’s labour announcement earlier today.

“We have people from all walks of life arriving into accident and emergency wards all around England this morning.” said a spokesperson for the NHS. “Many are hunched over holding their abdominal area and breathing hard, as if in labour.”

Phantom labour pains, or Couvade syndrome, is a proposed condition in which a partner experiences some of the same symptoms and behaviour of an expectant mother. These most often or not include minor weight gain, altered hormone levels, hysteria, and disturbed sleep patterns.

Prime minister David Cameron has called for a state of emergency across the UK and urged people with the condition to be vigilant and try and ‘ride it out’ without medical aid.

“Our hospitals cannot cope with the large numbers of people requesting treatment.” he told the house of commons today. “Ten thousand temporary royal hospitals will be erected in towns and cities across the nation today to deal with the epidemic.”

Couvade syndrome is not a recognized medical condition.

However, Professor Jerome Clancy of the maternity institute of London, claimed that the mass phantom labour pains were brought on by the constant media coverage of the royal baby.

“People here have had this shoved down their throats since last December.” he said. “Once they heard about the labour it triggered the pains to come and now everyone has them.”

Prof. Clancy expects the pains to stop once news of the royal baby birth is delivered.