All Presidential Candidates Bow Out After Realising Being President ‘Doesn’t Matter A Fuck’


AFTER a dramatic presidential debate on TV3 last night, all seven candidates decided to bow out of the race after realising the position ‘doesn’t matter a fuck’ to the Irish people.

The shock joint decision was decided unanimously following a gruelling television debate, which saw veteran journalist Vincent Browne heckle the candidates for 90 minutes in what could only be described as a half arsed Statler and Waldorf Muppet routine.

Mr. McGuinness was the first to go out after he dramatically attacked a stack of books in the studio post debate.

“Martin just started throwing these IRA history books around the studio. Everyone was quite scared at the time.” said producer Deirdre Quinn.

“He kept repeating the words ‘I’m out of the fucking race, I’m gone!'”

“He then tried tearing the books apart with his teeth, but they fell out. Thinking back now it was quite funny, but no one dared to laugh at the time.” she added.

Shortly after the fiasco a slightly depressed Gay Mitchell announced he was also out and said he was ‘going to the hay’penny bridge’ for a ‘little sit down and a big think’.

Almost simultaneously, Dana, Mary Davis and Sean Gallagher agreed to also step down from their candidacy.

A very distraught Gallagher expressed his disgust at the Sinn Fein nominees total disregard for books.

“There was no need for that. What did them books ever do to him? How many trees do you think it took to make all those lovely IRA documentary books? I’d say hundreds!

“And because of that fact. I’m out!” concluded the dragon.

Sources at the station said that Senator Norris was rocking back and forth in a chair in the corner of the studio while being consoled by a very frail old man who was later found to be Michael D. Higgins.

A camera man who wished to remain anonymous said: ‘He was like something you’d see in a mental institution. The senetor was sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth. He would occasionally take it out and cry ‘mammy, mammy, why did you leave me mammy?’

“A very frail looking old man was consoling him. I thought it was his dad, then I heard the squeaky grainy voice. It was Micky D.”

This morning both Norris and Higgins announced their decision to stand down from the elections.

In a press conference at the Berkley Hotel, Mr. Norris stated that he was standing down because he was highly embarrassed by questions put to him by Mr.Browne.

He said “Those kind of personal questions about my private life have no place in live debates. I was unprepared for such mockery.

“Who’d have thought a journalist friend and supporter of my campaign would stoop so low as to ask me questions about legal matters in a presidential debate for a country. Absolutely preposterous.”

Mr Higgins followed the senator by saying: ‘I think the main reason all seven of us bowed out of the race is because we realised something very important.

“And I think we all have to thank Vincent Browne for pointing this one out so many times last night: No one gives a crap about the presidency of Ireland. It doesn’t matter a fuck to the people of Ireland, so why should we bother?’

Since the dramatic exodus, Vincent Browne has announced his candidacy for the President of Ireland.