Banks escape with €73bn after “Celtic Tiger Kidnap” ordeal


EUROPEAN Union authorities are flabbergasted at a “tiger kidnapping” in which the Irish government handed over €73bn to a criminal gang of bankers.

The spineless crooks had forced defenceless politicians to give them a vast amount of money while holding numerous developments and businesses hostage.

In this bizarre incident, finance minister Brian lenihan, was ordered to go to the central bank in Dublin and meet their list of demands. There, apparently unchallenged by government ministers and financial regulators, he wrote off €73bn worth of bad loans and debts.

Tiger kidnappings have become so popular with criminal gangs in recent years that it is understood that the bankers themselves decided it was time for a little role reversal. Unfortunately for Ireland this raid was a huge success.

Investigators have claimed that they do not have any suspects, leads or any other evidence relating to the case.

“The money had gone before Gardai were even notified.” stated chief Supt. John Power. “The banksters got in and out so quickly that the politicians couldn’t even give a basic description of the culprits involved. It was amazing! All those bankers, and no one seen or heard a thing.” he added

The ordeal began early last year when a gang of 400 bankers, all wearing designer suits and brandishing €50bn in unpaid property loans, stormed the government offices and terrorised the poor unsuspecting ministers.

They ordered them to face the wall and pull their pants down. Then after a brief buggering session they asked the government to advise the country to stop spending and start saving immediately. There they asked the finance minister to drive to the central bank where it took him just minutes to write off all bad debt and development projects relating to the financial institutions.

The criminals then ordered thousands of innocent people out of their homes and then boldly continued laughing, all the way to their ungodly safe houses.

Eventually in March 2010, the hostages who had been tied up in the political frenzy, were able to free themselves with the aid of the National Asset Management Agency. They were said to be extremely traumatised but did not suffer any serious injury. The finance minister used in the raid was later found burnt out in a nearby government office. He is said to be still recovering from his ordeal.

The suspects, who are believed to be members of the Anglo Irish bankers group,have tried similar raids in the past. The members involved are described to be manipulative and very very dangerous.

Garda sources claim that they will also be investigating whether or not the banker gang had inside help from the government.

One investigator said that the gang knew exactly what to do and exactly the right time to do it.

The Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, held emergency meetings with senior EU officials and other heads of state this week. He said that proper procedures had not been carried out and that he was ‘shocked and regretful’ and that this kind of operation was carried out on such a vulnerable and naive little island.

In a later press conference he added:”We should have seen this coming, but we didn’t…..hic!.”