A NEW study into the effects of alcohol on ageing and the human body has proven beyond reasonable doubt that drinking on a daily basis reduces the risk of growing old by as much as 68%.
The groundbreaking report followed 5,000 volunteers over a 50 year period with half of the subjects admitting to being daily drinkers, and the other 2,500 subjects never touching a drop of alcohol at all.
“We found that a large majority of those who abstained from drinking ended up growing horribly old and frail,” explained lead researcher Dr. Kevin Thompson, “while the other half lived fun, eventful lives and never really grew old at all, successfully dying before the age of 65, thus avoiding old age”.
Dr. Thompson, who admits to being a daily drinker, hopes the report will change people’s perception of alcohol and take away the stigma attached to people who like a tipple or two every evening before going to bed, stating that his only regret about the find is not doing the study sooner.
“If only I knew about this earlier in my life,” said one teetotaller we spoke to, who was literally kicking himself at the news, “now I’m doomed to grow old and become a burden on my family. And with the way this government treats its elderly, I might as well just take up drinking now, but I just hope it’s not too late”.