AS A DIRECT result of the increasing number of famous and prominent men issuing statements of apology for harassing and assaulting people, there has been a push to provide them with a template stock apology/PR statement so as to avoid further enraging and insulting their victims.
Written and drawn up by a vast array of experts in not sounding like narcissistic and egotistical abusers of power and trust, it is hoped that whoever is next alleged to have carried out heinous and stomach turning acts can have a ready-made apology, which is incapable of doing any further damage, and providing at the very least, a genuine acknowledgement of the damage and hurt they have caused.
“This template has been chosen with the aim of stopping someone from creating a statement which is essentially ‘shit, I’m so sorry I was caught, but at the same time, I don’t remember doing any of these things’,” explained someone with a functioning brain, alluding to several statements previously made by celebrities in which they admit that the allegations are true without actually admitting it.
In place of vague sentences, which stop short of admitting any direct responsibility for anything ranging from lewd comments, groping to the attempted rape of a child, comes simple and brief passages that communicate the acceptance of full responsibility and make no mention of empty talk of ‘seeking help’ or having been ‘going through something’.
“We didn’t think it was a novel idea at first, but then every apology that was issued just seemed a step closer to a more articulate form of not owning the fuck up to illegal and abusive acts,” added another person with a healthy reserve of empathy and common sense.
The template replaces such trivial phrases as ‘I’m now aware this was not appropriate behaviour’ with ‘I knew all along sexually harassing people was wrong, but I didn’t care and I only care now my career and reputation has been significantly damaged’, leading to the real possibility that people reading such statements in the future will not scream with rage when they get to the end of the final paragraph.
“Who knows, the next person who admits to sexual assault might actually present themselves to the nearest police station instead of hiring an expensive law firm and a boat load of PR experts,” confirmed a third person in possession of the most basic understanding of being a decent person.
Elsewhere, women have been forced to reaffirm the fact that no medals will be issued to men who take to social media to confirm they have never sexually harassed or abused women.