Garda Commissioner Spends Day On Pulse Searching For Dirt On Brendan Howlin

STAFF at the office of the Garda Commissioner have been told to hold all of Noirín O’Sullivan’s calls while she carefully sifts through Pulse, a database used by an Garda Síochána for checking criminal and traffic records.

It is understood the Commissioner began work extra early this morning following allegations that she and former Garda commissioner Martin Callinan engaged in a campaign of harassment against garda whistleblower Maurice McCabe, which was highlighted under Dáil privilege by Labour leader Brendan Howlin yesterday afternoon.

“She finally came out of her office at lunchtime, asking if anyone had seen her old mobile phones and wondering if anyone knew Brendan Howlin’s mother’s maiden name,” a source inside the Commissioner’s office explained, “there’s bin bags full of shredded paper piling up outside her office door, and the Pulse system is very slow in the office today; like she’s been hogging it all day for something”.

Speaking during leader’s questions, Brendan Howlin claimed the Garda Commissioner rang a journalist in 2013 and made “allegations of sexual crimes” against the whistleblower.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny later stated he had full confidence in Noirín O’Sullivan, until such a time when the allegations could be potentially proven to be true.

“This government will stand by the Garda Commissioner, pending a full investigation,” he said, “but if she is proven guilty of misconduct, we will do everything in our power to cower away into the background as politically and hypocritically as possible”.