1,000 Year Old Monastic Remains Believed To Have Belonged To Ireland’s First Woodland Raver

ONE-THOUSAND year old monastic remains discovered in the wake of Storm Eowyn are believed to have belonged to Ireland’s first ever woodland raver, who according to experts used the secluded rural location to ‘go absolutely tectonic while on the session with mates’.

“Rhythmic drumming circles would have provided the drone like repetition generating for the ravers, high on mushrooms, the sense that they were doing something really cool when it reality they were just mashed as spuds in a field, flailing their arms,” explained chief digologist at the archeological site in Offaly, Morgana Moore.

Upended trees had lead to the ground being disturbed during the storm last year, revealing beneath the soil some human remains buried alongside a fully intact neon glow stick and small pill like object emblazoned with an alien on it.

“Some idiots who were onsite initially for the dig said they discovered an altar of some sort, but it’s clearly a primitive, ogham DJ decks set up,” added Moore, bobbing her head to a beat only she could hear.

The discovery has been welcomed by locals who have always felt there was something special about the area.

“It makes sense that monks were involved, sitting around all day trying to commune with god. Not so different from the rural Ireland of today where young sessioners are always on the lookout for a vacant field with tree shelter in which to fire up some speakers and get so ‘enlightened’ they think they’ve seen Jesus,” confirmed local sessioner Cormac Collins.

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