Average Age Of First Time Buyer Now 92

A NEW CSO study has found that the average age of a first-time buyer in Ireland has risen to 92, up from the Celtic Tiger peak of 17 years old.

The report found people will need to seriously look after their health if they expect to ever get on the property ladder, as saving enough for a deposit, paying a mortgage, and basically staying alive long enough to do both becomes increasingly difficult.

“We’re looking into cryogenic freezing,” local couple Trish and David Williams told WWN. Now in their mid-forties, the pair believe science is their best shot at homeownership. “If Trish freezes herself now for twenty years, and then I freeze myself when she thaws, we might just make it.”

Meanwhile, Banks have welcomed the trend, noting that a thirty-year mortgage beginning at age 92 is “the most secure form of lending imaginable.”

Attempting to speak with new first-time buyers this week, WWN discovered more than half of them had already succumbed to old age.

“If I get a couple of months here before I pop my clogs, it will be all worth it,” said 94-year-old Paddy Phelan, who got the keys to his first home last week after saving all his life. “You can’t beat that feeling you get when you finally sign the mortgage bond and realise this house is now mine in theory, but still owned by the bank until I make the last payment in 25 years. It really cements the fact that this life has all been for something – I just wish my wife were still alive to see it.”

In related news, daft.ie has reclassified most starter homes as “retirement properties.”