On This Day 454AD: Saint Patrick Bows Out Of Presidential Race Over Smear Campaign

MAEWYN Succat, known to all common folk as Patrick, Apostle of Ireland and bringer of the Christian faith unto this hedonistic isle, hath declared his withdrawal from the present presidential race, citing a grievous smear wrought by journalist scribes of ill intent.

The Roman Britain-born saint-in-waiting, once heralded as the people’s champion, confessed that even a man of God may not endure the venomous darts of envy and malice which so oft accompany the seven-year struggle for high office.

In these past weeks, accusations of cruel intent were cast forth concerning his dealings with reptiles, whilst his lineage and labours were mocked and traduced in the public square using offensive tongues.

“Typical to be called a blow-in despite a century on this island,” the 117-year-old told WWN from his campaign office atop a windswept Mayo hill. “Dragged here against my will at 16, worked my absolute bollocks off for the last hundred years, and what do I get? Begrudgery, mockery, and called a West Brit. You lot deserve whatever President you get. And the cunts talking shite on Twitter can do one ‘n all – I am done!”

Thus hath Patrick retired from public duty, pronouncing with no small bitterness that he doth pray the very serpents he once banished might return to Ireland, to chastise the people for their folly.