“Before Any Investigation Into School Abuse, It’s Important To Limit The Amount Of Money Religious Orders Would Owe”

“HELLO, can I speak to Minister for Education Michael Woods?” said one Irish bishop while trying to reach someone in government in a bid to ensure the 308 church-run schools embroiled in a child abuse scandal got the same deal 18 religious orders got from the former Fianna Fáil politician in 2002 limiting the money they had to contribute to a €1.35bn redress scheme to just €125mn.

“Oh he’s been moved on, has he? We’re well used to that in our game. Well look, while I have you, this nasty business needs sorting out. No, not the over 2,400 cases of child abuse, the attempts to get the church to pay for any of it,” continued the bishop.

Feeling the circumstances eerily echo 2002 when, just before an election was called, a deal was struck between the Church and State, there was a fresh chance Irish religious orders could once again be spared the pain and indignity of being held to the standards of mere mortals who have to worry about things like being burdened by a conscience and the laws of the land.

“Well look it, you get back to me on that when you’ve figured out what walls of heartless bureaucracy you’re going to put up to make it impossible for victims to get true justice. I’d just be worried with the investigation announced we’re running out of time for signing a behind-closed-doors agreement. Thanks, bye”, said the bishop finishing off a call before carrying out the important business of speaking to the media with trademark thinly veiled contempt.

“Of course, we will endeavour to facilitate the processing of any knowledge on the matters in question where possible, God willing,” offered the bishop reading from a carefully empty-worded statement drafted by PR, Crisis Management and legal firms who at this stage were old hands at making sure the Church got off scot-free.