“Don’t Blame Me” God Denies Saving Trump

GOD ALMIGHTY has broken millennia worth of silence to clarify events surrounding the assassination attempt on Donald Trump, feeling he now needs to speak out as fervent and deranged Republican voting Christians claim he personally spared Trump’s life.

“You idiots ask for a sign, and when I give you one; a rally held in the open, lax security, a clear shot from a nearby roof, you still don’t get it?” explained God in a hastily arranged press conference.

“And so I don’t want other people blaming me for saving him, I tried my best”.

Hailing divine intervention and feting him at the Republican national convention, supporters and acolytes sought to deify their presidential nominee and anoint him as a living saint.

“Oh, you need three miracles to become canonised, right?” retorted God, “so we’ve got one; slept with a porn star while his wife was pregnant, two; committing fraud with his businesses and three; demonising and vilifying those in need, that’s the trifecta there alright”.

The convention also saw Trump appoint JD Vance as his running mate for the elections.

“Well I’ll at least credit him for forgiving Vance for calling him America’s Hitler, ‘reprehensible’ and a ‘moral disaster’. Also while I have your attention America, my son does not have white skin and blue eyes,” said God, concluding the press conference.