Fondling All The Coffee Cup Lids Before Putting Them Back, A Guide


YOUR coffee of choice is poured, the sweetener added and now you’re left with one last task to complete your daily ritual – pawing the coffee cup lids. Please find this handy guide below for all your fondling needs:

Some people like to try use the wooden stirrers like chopsticks to pry apart the disposable coffee cup lids from the stack, but this takes a lot of practice and wastes a good 5 seconds of your important life. Just grab the stack with the entire palm of your hand making sure to cover every molecule of the lids to guarantee maximum you. Once happy you’ve left your DNA on every lid, put them back for the next paying customer to do the same.

Looking for a good dirty fondle? Communal coffee kiosks in petrol stations are probably the filthiest place you can get a coffee and are rarely wiped down. The stream of grubby pawing construction workers will guarantee the dirtiest of lids, coffee cups and stirrers you can find. Feel free to use the toilet, not wash your hands and go straight out for a nice, tasty cup of plumber’s crotch. Have a little nose pick while you’re there – go mad.

Accidentally dropped the lids on the ground? No problem Cinderella, just place the lids back on that pile, making sure your greasy, sweaty thumb covers the mouth hole for the next meat sack to come along and drink from…  mmmm delicious.

Follow us for tomorrow’s guide on how to maul loose bread rolls in the shop.