How Media Outlets Are Kindly Phrasing Biden Shitting The Bed

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IT’S NEVER easy or pleasant to watch someone fail in a public setting with no safety net to catch them.

However, it is the duty of impartial media outlets to report the facts. While this outlet’s front page led today with ‘Biden Shits The Bed, Big Time!’ other outlets choose to carefully craft their language to offer a more kind and polite assessment:

“Struggled at times and stumbled over his words” was favoured instead of “Holy shit, the guy can’t formulate a fucking sentence”.

“He’ll feel he could have done better” should have been “that was the Game of Thrones Season 8 of debate performances”.

“Not the best performance” selected rather than “his brain all scooped out y’all, what the fuck are we going to do?”

“It was like watching a dog trying to do complex math while climbing a ladder made of cheese” was kindly chosen over “It was like watching an 81-year-old try to convince over 300 million people he should be the most powerful person in the world”.

“That was hard to watch” reported the NY Times as opposed to “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever watched, and I say that as someone who watched my family being executed in front of me”.

“We’re fucked, we’re so fucked”, no notes on this one, honest reporting.

“A frustrating night for Democrats as Biden didn’t speak about the many policy wins he’s had in office” was chosen over “I overheard panicked fuckers ringing their doctors asking if evacuating their brain with the force of a thousands diarrhea shits live on a TV debate stage was a sign of a stroke”.

“The Biden team have a lot of work to do now” instead of “The Biden team will have to bet on the ‘would vote for Biden’s decomposing corpse over Trump’ demographic turn out to vote in big numbers in November”.

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