‘Aran Cover, Little Coke Pocket, Padre Pio Medal’: Suggestions For The New Irish Passport Design

THE Department of Foreign Affairs’ design team only put out the call today for suggestions on the new passport design but have been overwhelmed with input from the public.

A number of enhanced features which will make our passport more secure and harder for Israel to forge when carrying out assassinations have been suggested, and include:

A wool knit Aran sweater cover.

An audio feature which sees different phrases uttered depending on the direction of travel. ‘Zip up your mickey’ will be heard for stags heading to Amsterdam while ‘the neeeeeeeeck of you’ will blast from passports of people emigrating.

The passport visa pages will continue to carry emblems of Irish culture and will now include images of a GAA referee being assaulted, a half eaten kebab left abandoned on the cobbles of Temple Bar, a homeless person being ignored and a building ear-marked for refugees being burned out.

The harp is to be replaced by an eye retina scan because while it’s nice to be important but it’s important to give foreign governments and tech companies a bit more of your biometric data.

Instead of a passport photo, there will be a QR code which links directly to your last 50 selfies.

75% more Irish to further confuse passport holders.

A little pocket will be added to the passport where holiday makers bound for Ibiza can store their coke.

A Padre Pio medal will be included to give travellers the courage and strength to endure queuing for a Ryanair flight.

A GPS tracker will be a feature to aid easier tracking down of every person under 30 who claims they’ll be taking it easy on their weekend in Edinburgh only to somehow wake up in Beijing after causing a diplomatic incident.