Snipers Take Out Mick Wallace As He Descends From Rope With Knife In Mouth During Biden Dáil Speech


VOCIFEROUS critic of American foreign policy and warmongering, MEP Mick Wallace was ‘neutralised’ today in the Dáil chamber as he attempted to assassinate US president Joe Biden as he gave a speech addressing both houses of the Oireachtas.

Descending from the ceiling Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible style, it is unclear if the Wexford man’s assassination plot was of his own design or if he had been enlisted by Western foe Vladimir Putin.

“He could very well have done away with Biden was it not for his bright neon pink shirt drawing attention to him as he descended. Well, the fact he couldn’t help but launch in a diatribe about American imperialism probably didn’t help either,” said one onlooker.

While security had been exceptionally tight for Biden’s Dáil visit, a review will be held to see if gardaí on the premises should revise their ‘nod and a simple howiya’ approach to letting people through the doors.

“At first we thought it was snipers who took him out, but it appears it was Irish politicians who tore him limb from limb while asking him not to make such a holy show of us by stating well established facts about American war crimes,” shared another witness.

“It’s just rude isn’t it, when you have a visitor? You shouldn’t be dragging up the fact the war they voted for in Iraq is estimated to have killed as many as 3% of the total population of the country. And you’d be mortified to bring up how women are now essentially third class citizens in Afghanistan because he pulled military support. No, better just to get the good biscuits out and the good China and keep stum,” concluded the witness.

As of yet no one has noticed MEP Clare Daly strapping herself to the underside of the presidential limo known as The Beast.