The Changes JK Rowling Will Make In Harry Potter TV Series
FRESH from the shocking if predictable news that the Harry Potter series of films are the latest piece of entertainment to be rebooted, this time in the form of a TV series, JK Rowling has reassured fans the longer form medium will allow a more nuanced and deeper exploration of the beloved source material.
Rowling also implied there would be some minor near imperceptible changes, including:
It will be slowly revealed that Voldemort is actually quite misunderstood and if anything is the real victim in all this – with particular reference to how he can’t say anything on Twitter about muggles without a massive pile-on occurring.
Hermoine will have endless and disturbing encounters with burly bearded women in the unisex toilets at Hogwarts.
Hermoine’s Patronus is in the shape of Graham Linehan.
Given that Snape is a man with long hair who wears capes, he will be reported to the police by a well-meaning parents on Mumsnet.
Dumbledore is gay but there will be zero reference to it, as is tradition.
The Malfoys will remain unchanged and true to their unbearable arseholery.
Quidditch referee and flying instructor Rolanda Hooch is reported to Ofsted and fired after allowing mixed-sex games of Quidditch.
Switch-us-genitalius! A famous spell mentioned many times in the book, insists Rowling, it is the most depraved and evil spell anyone can use in the world of Hogwarts.
Despite it being forbidden for a Wizard to use it, the spell is cast during an unsanctioned drag show at the Leaky Cauldron. It is up to the true hero of the Harry Potter books, Dolores Umbridge to carry out a raid on the Cauldron and arrest everyone.
“As was the case in the books, Harry is the chosen one, and as in the books he fights against the tyranny of woke snowflakes who support every letter in LGBT,” confirmed Rowling, in remarks that will help to reassure fans the message of the books will remain intact as part of the new cash grab.
Speaking on the new series HBO executives said “what’s very clear to us from the movies is that it is extremely easy to cast three child actors who will have to play these roles from the age of 11 through to 20, it’s not like catching lightening in a bottle”.