Murdoch Has Billions In The Bank And Tool Like Shed Snake Skin

MEDIA mogul Rupert Murdoch is to be wheeled down the aisle for the fifth time at the ripe young age of 92, proving that true love and a net worth of $17bn can conquer anything, even the fact that you look like Skeletor’s more-evil dad.

His new bride-to-be is 66-year-old Ann Lesley Smith, with whom he shares a 26-year age gap that isn’t as big as the age gap between Leonardo DiCaprio and his next girlfriend but somehow seems more off-putting.

“That’s because we’ve become conditioned to see young women as sex objects thanks to decades upon decades of media brainwashing by someone, not exactly sure who,” explained a romance expert, speaking exclusively to WWN.

“Anyway, Mr. Murdoch is said to be looking forward to his wedding night, when he and his new bride cuddle up together and watch a world divided by biased media interference and scaremongering burn around them.

“After that, Mr. Murdoch will retire to his hyperbaric chamber to stave off any more unnecessary ageing, while the new Mrs. Murdoch does her best to stick it out until he finally dies. Not an easy job, it must be said, we all thought his last wife Jerry Hall would be the one to get all the marbles but even she couldn’t stick his company for another second and bailed,” the expert added.

Murdoch has also invested in a significant amount of Pfizer stock, in the hopes they can invent some sort of mega-viagra that might one day return some blood to his long-defunct penis.