WWN’S World Cup Recap


ANOTHER DAY, another historic upset as Japan beat Germany 2-1.

It was clear Japan saw Saudi Arabia beat Argentina and said ‘hold my sake’.

With 78% possession in the first half, Germany hadn’t subjected anyone to this much pressure since Angela Merkel strong-armed Ireland into bailing out the banks.

The 30th minute saw Germany break the deadlock after Japan gave away a penalty.

Is it lazy to call a Japanese goalkeeper leaping out of goal to trip up a player a ‘kamikaze performance’? Yes. But is it the best description of someone launching themselves clumsily at a striker with all the grace of a giraffe falling down an escalator? Also yes.

Gundogan converted the penalty, reminding football fans his name is fun to say and sounds like the rhythmic drum beat that opens a banger of a dance tune.

The second half looked like it was panning out much the same as the first with the Germans peppering the Japanese goal with more shots than happy hour at a student bar.

Japan’s Ritsu Doan scored a shock equaliser against the run of play after Manuel Neuer kindly palmed a shot into his path.

The most famous goal in Japanese football history was to follow minutes later when Takuma Asano beat Neuer at his near post after the Bayern goalie left a gap so big you could fit one of those giant replica World Cup trophy that appears at the start of every game through it.

Posing for a photo at the end of the match the Germany team placed their hands over their mouths to symbolise their collective shock at losing to Japan.

Others have suggested the photo was a protest against FIFA refusing to let them wear a ‘One Love’ armband, not that you’d know it seeing as those in charge of the TV feed refused to broadcast it to the world.

Having lost to South Korea in 2018 and now Japan, Germany have appealed to FIFA to ban Asian teams while odds have been slashed for a Japan Saudi Arabia final. Failing that Germany will have to place a rainbow armband on teams if they want FIFA to take action.

As now seems tradition at this World Cup the 10am kick offs have started slower than a world leader’s response to climate change, with Morocco and Croatia playing out a 0-0 draw more boring than a visit from your auntie Margaret.

A goal in this match looked about as likely as the Irish government meeting their housing targets.

Bereft of ideas, Croatia’s tactics revolved around giving Luka Modric the ball and not much else.

Meanwhile, football fans everywhere stated that they refuse to recognise this Croatia team until it returns blonde pony-tailed wonder Domagoj Vida to its starting line up.

Spain played Costa Rica in the 4pm kick-off which turned out to be like if the Stop, Stop! He’s Already Dead meme was a football game.

Spain’s Dani Olmo opened the scoring on the 11th minute with a first touch so beautiful Pete Davidson is now dating it.

The Costa Rican players took off their shirts to make makeshift white flags after Torres made it three with a peno.

At 18 years and 110 days Spain’s Gavi became the youngest player to score in a world cup since Pele. Gavi’s goal provided further proof of Qatar’s poor workers rights record as the 18 year old was forced to work until 9pm local time.

More goals than an Instagram girlo’s vision board, Spain put 7 past Costa Rica. In football terms this is known as a spanking. We would also accept ‘thonking’, ‘walloping’, ‘twanked’, ‘massacre’, ‘drubbing’ or ‘look what they’ve done to my boy’.

Poor Kaylor Navas’ goal remained under siege for the majority of the match with the last time someone saw this much action they were a thumbnail on the Pornhub homepage.

The evening kickoff saw can-do Canada lose 1-0 to Belgium despite being the better team for much of the game. At full time, the Canada players apologised to Belgium for giving them such a shock.

Using their speed on the wings, Canada sought to expose Belgium’s centreback pairing of Toby Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen who are older than the invention of the locomotive steam engine and considerably slower.

Having missed one penalty, Canada were denied a second prompting football fans to ask for the introduction of a VAR system to review VAR decisions.