Regency Hotel Trial Adjourned As Key Witness Has To Be At Another Murder At 4pm

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THE Regency Hotel trial cannot be allowed to impinge on the day-to-day criminal activity in Dublin as it has been doing for the last number of weeks, according to a spokesperson for criminals across the city.

“Judges, I would like to remind you that keeping my client here past 3pm will have a catastrophically negative impact on his ability to carry out a drive-by shooting at the arranged time,” argued a representative of one witness this morning, during a hearing around the events of the February 2016 murder.

“In fact, given that this whole trial has roped in key members of all the major criminal organisations in the capital, one would ask how you all expect any crime to take place in an orderly fashion while this continues. Should they postpone kneecappings until a verdict is reached? Is there to be no drug deals until this is all said and done with? I must say this is quite irregular”.

In other news from the ongoing proceedings:

– Reports are suggesting that this may be the trial where the phrase ‘that’s a lie you bleedin’ rat’ has been used the most in the history of the State.

– In instances where key witnesses do not have a gangland nickname, the court will appoint a gangland nickname for them.

– The delicate ecosystem of Dublin crime is bracing itself for the removal of several alleged big players, at least until better WiFi gets installed in Mountjoy.

More as we get it.

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