Celebrities Share Their New Year’s Resolutions

EARTH’S leading lights were kind enough to share their New Year’s resolutions with WWN and we’re delighted to be able to share them with you, the filthy members of the public who aren’t good enough to be used as toilet papers by any of them:

“Yeah this whole living my life as a gay man…I might try something different next year” – Kevin Spacey

“Nice and quiet year, keep the head down, you know ‘classic Conor'” – Conor McGregor

“I will die a happy man when I am skipped across the surface of a placid lake” – Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson

“Try as you might, you’re only human but I hope I can earn back the trust and respect of many voters who feel I’ve failed them” – Taoiseach Leo Varadkar on his shame at having failed to hit the 10,000th selfie target in 2018.

“I guess 2019 is the time I finally listen to people, finally get the message. That’s right! My New Year’s resolution is to run for President again” – Hillary Clinton

“Harry and I can’t wait for the birth of our child. I hope to be further absorbed into the homogeneous family I’m now part of and slowly have any source of individuality and personality eroded away to nothing” – Royal Incubation Unit 4002-ZR40-3334.

“I’m probably get angrier and angrier, then I might go along to a march led by people who tell it is and hopefully by the end of the year I’ll pluck up the courage to punch a black person in the face” – your estranged cousin.

“(words only audible to the lucrative 13-35 year old demographic which pays attention to popular culture)” – Ariana Grande

“Mistakes made in 2018 will be learned from but you know too much, you all know too much and we will have to ‘contain’ you. Facebook is your home, why must you fight it?” – Mark Zuckerberg.

“They say ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away, but we disagree, none of you fuckers seem to care” – Europeans leaders on their intention to ignore migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.

“Make even more money from you suckers” – Kardashian Corp.

“Winning the Rugby World Cup, there’s no way overhyping this and putting immense pressure on the players could ever backfire or result in disappointment” – Irish rugby fans.

“I know it sounds unrealistic and people will call me crazy but I hope the media will feature me in one newspaper article. I know that’s ambitious, why would anyone give me that chance but a guy can dream” – Peter Casey.

“It’s offensive to ask someone what their New Year resolution is, some people don’t follow the Gregorian calendar. What about the Chinese New Year, huh? I hope the person who wrote this is fired for asking such a grossly offensive question. My petition to have them fired has already reached 300,000 people. Rot in hell you fascist” – a baying mob outside our offices.

“Whatever it is, it’ll be bad” – Mohammad bin Salmon, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Rodrigo Duterte, Kim Jong Un, Jair Bolsonaro, Xi Jinping.