Elves Stage Bloodless Coup While Santa Claus Is Away
THE North Pole is under new command this afternoon after a rogue Elf general seized his opportunity to pull off a ‘bloodless coup’ while Saint Nicholas was off delivering presents thousands of miles away.
General Sillybun McToffee is said to be in complete and total control of the Arctic fortress which houses the throne of the North Pole, and a new flag with the slogan ‘ELF RULE’ has been spotted flying at full mast over the ice palace at the moment.
Declaring a victory for all elf-kind who are tired of the slave-like condition they have endured for generations, McToffee read a statement denouncing the tyrannical rule of Santa Claus, described as ‘a despotic, insane dictator’, and promised a new way of life for toymakers, letter openers, and present-wrappers alike.
“We first became aware of a coup following a complete social media blackout,” said one Elf, speaking exclusively to WWN via a secure line, “after that, we saw thousands of candy cane wielding elves storm towards Santa’s village, sacking the workshops, burning toys and materials in the street. Then they stormed the palace. Mrs. Claus offered no resistance, and no blood was shed.
“They claim to be in control of the area now, although fighting has broken out on the outskirts of town with a small group of snowmen who remain loyal to Claus”.
Santa, said to be somewhere over Wisconsin when the news broke, has headed straight back to the North Pole to ‘sort this shit out’, leaving millions of kids without presents on the North American continent.