JP Morgan Expected To Pay Fuck All Tax In Ireland Too


US BANKING giant JPMorgan has confirmed it will move hundreds of staff from London to Dublin as a result of Brexit, and is expected to pay fuck all tax in Ireland too.

The lender is negotiating the potential purchase of a building in Dublin’s Capital Dock, shrugging off the city’s escalating property prices.

“When you’re paying as little tax as we do, you can afford such expenses,” a spokesman for the bank told WWN, referring to the 6% tax rate it has been paying in London, despite Britain’s corporate rate of 20%, “We’re confident we’ll get a good deal here. To be honest, I don’t even know why we’re being taxed at all; we create money, so it’s a bit of a conundrum when you think about it”.

In 2016, J.P. Morgan Chase paid $160 million in tax on $3.3 billion in U.K.. However, that 6% rate is still higher than the average rate of 1% paid by the 10 biggest foreign investment and commercial banks that reported U.K. profits and taxes.

“It’s just a courtesy payment at this stage,” the spokesman explained.

“The Dublin move makes sense to us as your corporation tax is one of the lowest in the world,” he continued, “plus, you guys really treat your banks well over here, especially when the shit hits the fan”.

The Capital Dock building, currently owned by Nama and Kennedy Wilson, has about 130,000sq ft (12,000sq m) of space: enough for more than 1,000 workers.

“We were welcomed with open arms by your NAMA guys, who, may I add, are very generous to negotiate with,” the spokesman concluded, “I think we’re going to fit right in here”.