Less Sick Patients Asked To Give ‘A Dig-Out’ In A&E


WITH accident and emergency departments across the country bracing themselves ahead of the St. Patrick’s Day weekend, a plan which will involve patients with less severe complaints ‘mucking in’ hopes to curb the amount of people left lying on trolleys.

Aiming to deflect complaints that it never acts to improve the A&E experience ahead of ‘bottlenecks’ such as winter and bank holidays, the HSE announced the scheme at a press conference earlier today, outlining how patients who can stand and walk will help staff to tend to patients in need of critical care.

Citizens presenting at A&E with minor fractures and wounds will get a ‘quick once-over’ before being put onto the ward to assist in procedures such as emergency tracheotomies and cardiac arrests, with Simon Harris adding that if somebody wants to jump in and do a bit of CPR, they’re more than welcome to.

“We’ve been criticised for leaving up to 600 people waiting for care during peak times of the year, when all along 200 of those people were probably fit enough to help the other 400,” said the minister for health.

“Like seriously, the person who goes to A&E with a broken jaw? Sure, they’ll get that wired up through time, but while you’re waiting couldn’t they hold an IV drip for someone? The builder who stood on a nail which is still sticking up through his foot; he could squeeze one of those airbag things for doctors while they work on a road crash victim. That way, other doctors can help other patients and everyone gets seen to that bit quicker. We know you’re probably a bit sore when you get to A&E, but there’s no reason to be lazy as well”.

Harris went on to state that people awaiting x-rays could also be used as makeshift beds for others.

“Four people on their hands and knees in a row, that’s a bed right there. One trolley less. You’re fucking welcome,” said Harris, dropping his mic and walking off flashing double V-signs.