“I’ll Drive The Fuckin’ Train Myself”, Says Alan Kelly

LABOUR TD Alan Kelly is so determined to keep a train line that runs through his Tipperary constituency open, that he has announced his willingness to ‘drive the fuckin’ thing’ himself, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Reports released yesterday revealed that the Irish Rail line between Limerick and Ballybrophy carries just 73 passengers per day, generating a revenue of just €753. This is in contrast to the approximate figure of €20,000 that it costs to run the service each day, placing the line into what financial experts call ‘a loss of a shitload of money’.

However, Alan Kelly has become incensed at the notion that the taxpayer-subsidised route should be closed, and has declared that he himself will don a driver’s uniform and learn how to drive the train if it means keeping the line open.

“To many people, it’s just 73 passengers a day. But to me, that’s 73 voters,” said Kelly, practising his knob-twirling.

“Next election, I could be counting on those votes, So the taxpayer is basically paying €550 per passenger, per day… that’s neither here nor there. It’s just important that I’m seen to be standing up for the people of the area. They’re the ones who’ll be voting for me in the next election”.

Kelly went on to state that his stint as a train driver would be put down as ‘travel’, meaning he can just claim it back from his TD expenses.

“Win-win all round, as far as I can see”, tooted Kelly.