The Maltayto Is Here And It’s So Delicious, We’re Losing Our Minds


When a rep from Tayto visited our Lovin Waterford offices last month, I thought: ‘huh, here we go again, another failed attempted crisp flavour that will never take off, but I’ll give it a go anyway, just to say I was the first one to write about it online’… but things couldn’t be further from the truth.

Gunther, the new sales guy from the German takeover of Tayto, began with ‘you vill not believe vot ve have for you’, before opening the cardboard box he was carrying, which at first glance seemed to be packed with Maltesers.

“This must be some kind of sick joke,” I said to him, not realising my conclusion pole vault.

“Look closer, ” he said in his thick Berlin accent, which I recognised almost immediately as I visited there once. I know everything about Berlin. Everything.

On closer inspection of the box I spotted the man himself, Mr. Tayto, just smiling up at me. I squinted my eyes for effect, and looked at Gunther, who was just smiling there like a crazy professor.

“Ve have did it, ve have created ze uber product, yah?” Gunther insisted, as everyone in our office began taking photographs with their phones, “Please calm down and eat. Open it. Eats ze product. Likes ze product”.

With that, I nominated Saoirse from accounts to try one (I knew she was PMSy, I can always tell when women are at the time of their cycle). And she did. Her flushed fat face said it all. Before I knew it, all 345 of my interns were all tearing into the Maltaytos. It was infectious. I opened a packet and began necking them like there was no tomorrow. So. Fucking. Good. Everyone was really enjoying them. I mean, REALLY enjoying them. Gunther was nowhere to be seen at this point, and Mark in sales started taking off his shirt and dancing. From here, things got really weird.

At one point I looked at my Apple iWatch, it was a quarter past ten at night! I remember saying something like ‘guys, what are we doing here? we finished at six”. But at this point everyone was half naked and several of the women were now dancing to what I believe was a squeaky computer fan, which sounded like the Faithless track Insomnia, which we all sang along to. By midnight we were all dancing around the faulty computer tower, singing verses at different times to one other. It was chaotic.

Mantus the Lithuanian security guard, who minds the office at night, was now filming us on his phone, so we infiltrated him, and pinned him to the ground while I force fed him Maltaytos. It had to be done. It was a very messy twenty minutes, but he calmed down before eventually joining in with his own version of the Insomnia lyrics.

I think it was about 5am when I started to come round/down. The Maltayto effect was coming in waves. The scaggy buzz was wearing off and all the Maltaytos were gone. I made some faces in the mirror for a bit, before realising it wasn’t a mirror, but one of my employees who was also making faces. By 8am I was fully down. The lads were just sitting at their desks, half naked and monged. Luckily the IT lad pulled out a bag of green and did up a few doobs. That brought many of us back down to earth, apart from Mantas, who was now crying in the corner singing some Lithuanian song we never heard of. He mentioned something about his wife breaking up with him during the night as he was meant to be home at 7, but that’s those Russian lads for ya;  mad as brushes.

To be honest, as delicious as they sound and taste, the Maltayto is just not worth the comedown. Myself and several staff members reported sleep paralysis, head jerks and even insomnia for the following week after eating them. It sounds good on paper, but Maltaytos just leave you feeling messed up for weeks. Give me a Toblerolo any day.

3/10 for effort.