WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

That wash will be dry if you put it out now and don’t stop to think about where your 20s went.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You’re not sure when you started keeping a tissue up your sleeve like your Mum, but there it is.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You invented a delicious new cocktail last night but for some reason you forget the recipe this morning.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Trump’s patented ‘grab them by the pussy’ move lands you in jail for the next 6 years.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You’re all for it, but you’re not quite sure just how to ‘go fuck yourself’.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Thumbing a lift has become much harder since you got that neck tattoo of a big knife.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You shout “shots” in a Dublin pub, and get shot.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You melt in the rain! You were told this wouldn’t happen!  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You find out that building sites are nothing like what Donkey Kong promised they would be.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

With the help of your latest sexual partner, you finally find out who your daddy is.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You play a game of pool in the pub. There’s a table there. It seems rude not to.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Still not a millionaire. This is bullshit.

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