5 Key Battles In Tomorrow’s Manchester Derby

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IN what can be described as the fixture football fans have been waiting for ever since the last round of fixtures before the international break, Manchester United face off in an epic mortal struggle against their rivals Manchester City which will end up being a boring 0-0.

And if the thought of Jose Mourinho facing off against Pep Guardiola wasn’t enough to whet the appetite, Sky Sports has ratcheted up their coverage of the match with the launch of special channels Sky Sports Utd v City 1, Sky Sports Utd v City 2, Sky Sports Utd v City Extra and Sky Sports Mou v Pep.

Never has there been such hype for a game since the Sky Sports marketing department threw everything they had at Liverpool v Arsenal a few weeks ago.

So this battle, born of rivalry embedded deep in the sodden turf of Mancunia is to take place tomorrow, dividing many families and not dividing just as many families who know it’s just a kick about. WWN’s unparalleled coverage of sports allows us to bring you an inane list while other publications waste resources on actually sending correspondents away from their computers and to Manchester to cover the game.

Let battle commence over 5 specific areas outlined by WWN below:

1) Zlatan’s revenge.

The mind games between Mou and Pep is one thing, but Zlatan’s brain-chess with Pep outshines the two gaffers mental sparring.

Sadly, Zlatan has played down his falling out with Guardiola in the build up, stating “I hate him so much I will become the first person to ever kill a man twice, and I will wear his skin like one of his shitty hipster 3-piece suits”. First blood to United.

2) Football kicking.

We can’t overestimate how much kicking footballs will be at the forefront of any gains down there in the millionaire trenches we like to call the Old Trafford pitch. If one team kicks ball really well, and the other teams doesn’t… well, you’ll see, it may be carnage out there.

3) Yaya Toure vs the urge not to give a shit

Yaya Toure could be a key man in City’s assault on United, however, a battle as old as time rages on within the Ivorian skyscraper mind; does he or does he not give a shit about any of it. With the ability at times to make a mockery out of opponents, Toure could well score a hat-trick but if his penchant for not doing a tap of work off the ball triumphs we could see some of the finest slow motion walking the world has ever witnessed. This is the most intriguing battle of the match along with Wayne Rooney fighting against the rapid decline of his body.

4) Eye poke technique.

Mourinho has proven himself as an expert sniper eye-poker, but one wonders could Pep spring a tactical surprise by planting a carefully disguised through-finger into the United manager’s eye socket? With just 80cm between the two dugouts, the neutral will be hoping for a fight to rival Conor McGregor’s recent bout against Nate Diaz at UFC202.

5) Casualties a plenty.

Sometimes we can get too caught up in the glitz of a glamour tie between two huge clubs, so much so, that we forget about the unsung heroes. While the players play football on the pitch, kit men and women, team doctors, physios and mascots are required by new Premier League rules to fight to the death. The rules were put in place by the Premier League to appeal to the ever growing Chinese market after China spent £84 billion for the TV rights for this year’s championsip.

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