WWN Profiles: Tim Cook


AS the EU’s ruling against Apple in a tax case continues to dominate the headlines, WWN takes a closer look at Tim Cook:

Name: Timothy Cook

Age: 55

Occupation: CEO of Apple, nerd. Maniac capitalist hell bent on the destruction of mankind, possibly.

Why is he in the news: due to an EU ruling, which has ordered Apple to pay €13 billion in taxes owed due to illegal state aid offered to Apple by Ireland.

Will Apple pay: Cook released a statement shortly afterwards addressed to the EU which read ‘fuck off’.

Worst fears: that small Chinese children making iPhones will unionise.

Strengths: controls your whole fucking life with the shiny things you like to buy every year of so. Has Enda Kenny on speed dial. Employs enough Irish people that the Nation will forgive anything.

Weaknesses: Not Steve Jobs. Keeps forgetting his iPhone pass code.

Hobbies: figuring out ways to make Apple products more addictive than heroin.

Not many people this but: Tim Cook is the first CEO of a major multinational company to be openly capitalist. He also owns holiday homes in Arklow, Cornwall and on the Moon.

Most likely to say: “Tax issue? I have no idea what you’re talking about, incidentally, we’ll have something new and shiny to sell you next week. You’re welcome”.

Least likely to say: “I think we’ve made enough money now”.