New Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson Assigned To Siberia Indefinitely

NEWLY installed prime minister Theresa May wasted no time in appointing political allies and foes to key positions in her cabinet, with the most surprising appointment centering around Boris Johnson, who was given the coveted job of foreign secretary.

Seen as a great appointment for anyone with future hopes of becoming prime minister one day, Johnson’s joy was soon short lived after learning of the location of his first assignments.

“Boris’s diplomatic skill will come in handy in the harsh and unforgiving climate of Siberia,” PM May confirmed at her cabinet announcement, as Johnson quietly sobbed in the background.

“People will say Boris is an ignoramus, whose ambition far exceeds his intellect, and that he could start a fight in a room on his own while gagged and in a straightjacket, but I disagree,” May continued, “which is why I can think of no better man to lead a 40-year trade and diplomatic envoy to one of the most remote places on the planet”.

Johnson will be tasked with negotiating with a Serbian bear hunter and attempting to convince him to end his hunting ways and switch to farming quinoa in the snowy tundras of Siberia.

Whitehall insiders claim Johnson was given the choice between Siberia and being parachuted into an ISIS bomb making training course to begin negotiating with the terrorist group.