How To Spot Your Partner Might Have An STI


IT can be worrying to contemplate, with STIs on the rise in Ireland is important to ensure yourself and your partner, short term or otherwise, are safe.

Not sure how to spot the signs your partner may have an STI? WWN is here to clear up a few things, and set you on the path to becoming an STI expert, but not in the bad, I have more STIs than pairs of pants way.

People carrying sexually transmitted infections are easy to spot as 95% of those affected have comical ‘stink lines’ you see in cartoons emanating from their bodies, eliminating your need to wear protection or insist your partner wears protection ‘just in case’.

Luckily for women, when men have STIs they are really very easy to spot as men’s mickeys light up a neon yellow colour. This helps you to avoid entering into sexually congress with someone who has an STI, which also leaves you free not to bother with protection if their willy doesn’t look like a jacket worn by an overly cautious cyclist.

A bit apprehensive about needlessly wearing protection just on the off chance someone might have an STI? We know the feeling, but luckily for all of us the Church keeps an exhaustive record or who has or hasn’t got an STI. Book an appointment with your local priest and simply share the name of your prospective sexual partner and they should be able to clarify the matter, saving you wasting a couple of quid on prophylactics.

Some individuals can be extremely self conscious about the fact they have an STI. In the case of men, many will try to place their entire body inside a condom out of shame. It’s important to make feel OK, so try your best to coax them out of the condom, and give them the ride anyway.

Women’s vaginas are a treasure trove of tell tale signs when it comes to sexually transmitted infections. The vagina of a woman with an STI emits a noise akin to a loud trumpet, which can often be mistaken for a farting noise. What if you don’t hear that noise? Well then, dive in without a condom because you’re guaranteed a safe ride, and don’t worry about impregnation as every woman is presumably on the pill as long as you don’t ask.

It is true only 87% of vaginas carrying an STI will sound the trumpet, the other 13% of vaginas speak in calm, cautionary voice which is similar to Morgan Freeman in its timbre.

While WWN has covered all possible steps you can take, if you insist on viewing less exhaustive sources on matters of sexually transmitted infections please click HERE.