“How To Make Political Uncertainty Work For You” – Irish Trillionaire Declan O’Ryan


In his latest column, Irish trillionaire and all round fine citizen Declan O’Ryan gives the best business advice money can’t buy.

Word must be reaching you now that the Taoiseach is for the axe any day now, forced to walk the plank by people who want to try running the country themselves, despite only a few years ago struggling with being able to make Enda’s coffee without burning down a building.

Now, I don’t know Enda Kenny, have never met him, have never had any dealings with him, do not have him on speed dial and I will sue anyone who suggests that I do into oblivion, but I know Enda is a man of principal and a man I’m sure any trillionaire can sway when the time calls for it. That is to be valued in business.

Young upstarts looking to usurp him should take a long look in the mirror at themselves, and then throw themselves head first into the mirror because Enda is a saint, a visionary leader and someone who knows how to assign government contracts to bidders in a timely and unfussy fashion. That’s what Ireland needs in a leader, that’s what Ireland is all about and I will shed tears if he goes.

Not that it directly effects me in anyway, as I’m just a humble businessman with interests in transport, energy, telecoms, engineering, housing, farming, and 407 other industries.

However, now that his imminent exit is all but sealed, it can’t be ignored that the stench of putrid political bullshit smells remarkably like opportunity.

Where there is uncertainty, there is a huge neon sign which sears the words ‘money, money, money’ into your retina. All budding bussiness people need to take advantage of such a situation. How to make hay when shit on my shoe back benchers are trying to make the Sun shine? That is what I’m here to help you with.

Normally I charge three government contracts for advice like this, but I’m in a good mood today after accidentally driving over a swan and her family of cygnets recently so the business advice is free.

You need to assess the contenders, and see what it is they need or could need. It could be as simple as ringing up the front runners and just breathing heavily down the phone. Maybe when bumping into them you have a hole in your pocket and €45 million in spare change accidentally falls out onto the ground. Maybe your private jet lands on their lawn at 3am and you shout ‘just popped by to say hello’ through a megaphone. Just your everyday business options that are available to men and women of simple means like yourself and myself.

Failing that, I’m reminded of an old business saying, which many of you billionaires will know, and it goes something like this: “if you can’t beat them, just give beating them one more try as nothing works better than physical intimidation and violence”. They are not words I live by, but I don’t need to let any future leaders of the country become aware of that, do I?

Suing also works. Who you sue isn’t important, but it’s important to be seen to sue.