Man Hopes Vague Status About ‘Big News’ Will Start People Talking


HAVING failed to drum up any attention with any of his Facebook status updates over the past four years, local man Eugen Canolan is hoping that today’s post about how he has “big news coming soon” will be enough for people to start paying him some attention for once.

‘Very excited’ read the update, posted yesterday in the middle of nobody giving a shit. ‘Can’t talk about it now, will be making a big announcement soon!’.

Canolan, 27, has yet to settle on just what form this “big announcement” will take, and has admitted that it may have been foolish to announce an announcement without settling on what it was he was going to announce.

“Yeah, may have painted myself into a bit of a corner here, ” said Canolan, while constantly clicking refresh on his Facebook page to see if anyone had commented on his post yet.

“But I’m sure I’ll make something up. New job, car passed the NCT, anything at all really. The important thing is that people pay attention to me, ask me what my big announcement is, click ‘like’… anything at all really. Oh God, I need attention. I need it so fucking bad”.

At time of print, interest in the ‘big announcement’ remains firmly in the ‘non-existent’ category.