40% Of Parents Give Children Sweets Daily To ‘Shut Them The Fuck Up’

SHOCKING new research carried out by Safefood Ireland shows that a large majority of parents give their children sweets in a bid to shut them the hell up.

The study found that 40% of Irish parents give their children crisps, chocolate and sweets at least once a day, while the other 60% of the parents lied on the survey, claiming they never give their children sweets at all.

“Basically, we are bribing our kids with one of the most addictive drugs in the world, sugar, to keep them quiet,” said Dr. Ciara Spencer, director of Human Health & Nutrition at safefood. “It’s the equivalent of giving your child twenty major and a lighter and telling them to go out the back for a smoke for themselves and chill the fuck out”.

The research, which surveyed 833 adults, was carried out ahead of the organisation’s campaign to tackle everyday habits that could lead to childhood obesity.

“This survey is great an’all, but it doesn’t stop the little shits running around restaurants or waiting rooms like maniacs,” mother of three Geraldine Kent told WWN. “What are we supposed to do now, knock them over the head? We can’t even do that anymore without fear of being arrested for human rights violations. How about these fucking researchers research ways to shut children up for 30 minutes”.

In response, Safefood suggested a number of ways to help parents break the bad habits of treats, including; performing the entire Let It Go number from the film frozen, hiring a magician when going for a meal, putting your child up for adoption or simply just telling them ‘no’, like real adults do.