5 Things You Can Do To Help Ireland Become The World’s Most Obese Nation

CONCERNING news emerged recently that suggested it would take Ireland a lengthy 9 years before obtaining the crown of one of the most obese nations in the Europe, which puts us years away from securing the title of World’s Most Obese Nation.

In an effort to hasten the pace of our health decline and put yet more pressure on a HSE which has less funding than a neglected Trocaire box, WWN has devised a list of things we, the Irish people, can do to slowly drag our overweight bodies to the summit of the obese table.

1) Ignore the voices

Essential in our quest to reach a rate of almost 100% obesity well before 2025, it will be important to ignore that nagging voice in our head that says ‘Jesus, we’ve really let ourselves go’. Additionally ignore the Voice of Ireland, because well, you know yourself.

2) Strong parenting

If you’re a parent who has grave concerns that you’re just not speeding along your children’s obesity as quickly as you could, there are new needles on the black market which allow you to inject your child’s daily trip to McDonalds directly into their veins. Remember, if your child asks to change it up by buying fruit, a slap to the face is still legal in special cases.

3) Spend money on stupid shit

The more money we spend on things we don’t actually need is less money we then have to join a gym, creating the ideal easy excuse. Every euro spent on something you don’t need, is a euro spent on securing Ireland’s record setting obesity targets. If some smart arse points out that we don’t need a gym to start on the road to fitness we recommend putting your fingers in your ears and shouting ‘la la la I can’t hear you’.

4) Don’t talk about it

If we were to talk openly about obesity or even achieving a good balance of healthy eating and exercise we’d probably lose to the Brits or worse still the Americans in our severely restricted crawl up the top of the too much food chain. Less acknowledgement of the problem, the better. Well done team.

5) Watch Operation Transformation without engaging your brain.

Shocked proclamations of ‘Jesus, the size of him’ or ‘Oh God, how did she ever get like that’ are best uttered when disengaging with the fact that in some cases, you too could be looking after yourself that bit better or you may be sharing the couch with someone in a worse state than the lad on the telly. But, remember if you were to realise that, we wouldn’t have the most obese men and women in Europe by 2025.