Communion Wafer Harvests Badly Affected By Droughts, Confirms Church


REPRESENTATIVES for the Catholic Church have cited unfavourable climate conditions in communion-producing countries for shortages in supply during masses across the country.

Heavy rains coupled with unusually cold summers in recent years have left communion farmers with a situation close to total crop failure in some areas. Share prices in communion companies soared after the stock exchange learned of the drought, as countries raced to get their hands on the now-scarce commodity.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, the year-on-year fall in communion harvests from India, which produces 80% of the world’s communion, has led to some parishes resorting to substitute hosts during ceremonies.

Priests in badly-hit communities have been offering items such as rice cakes, corn flakes and even crisps to their communion-starved parishioners.

“Look, I’ll transubstantiate a Fig Roll if it comes to it,” said Fr. Peter O’Malley, parish priest in the small Mayo town of Killinashack.

“Makes no matter to me. Those Indian lads claim that the harvest is way down, but I know them lads. A pal of mine was a missionary down there, and he told me they sometimes fake shortages in the crop to drive the price away sky high on the NASDAQ. The only way we can combat this is to stay cool and offer parishioners alternative Eucharistic hosts like Haribo or Pringles. It’s all the same to God”.

Although WWN have offered God a chance to have his say on the matter, he has so far declined any interviews.