WWN Guide To Stopping This Nonsense & Finally Shaving Your Beard Off


OKAY buddy, you had your fun, but honestly, it’s time to stop the nonsense.

The face fuzz is on its way out and this year’s trend is all about having a soft, delicate face befitting a prepubescent child, so why not shave off that beard and for once get in on the ground floor on the latest annoying trend before it becomes tired and obvious.

Here’s WWN essential guide to shaving off that beard:

For this exercise you will need a razor, shaving foam, a support network of friends and family and a strong sense of self that will not crumble after you rid yourself of the hair heap on your face.

Step one is fairly simple, try staring at your reflection and maybe, entertaining the tiniest possibility that you don’t look like a noble and cultured poet from Paris in the 1920s, or some gruff American biker at the vanguard of 1960s counterculture, whatever the fuck that is. You work in a mobile phone shop, let’s pick up that razor, yeah?

The next step requires bravery that is rarely present in the humble Irish man, look at your heroes, they’re all bearded too, aren’t they? They are, okay, well now is the time to take a leap of faith and tell yourself you can be as inspiring, and successful as them in achieving something other than three months worth of hair growth on your face, there may be more to your heroes than just a shitty beard.

If you are one the unfortunate souls who has possessed a long term beard, grown and maintained long before it became omnipresent and unbearable, sorry but you have to shave yours too. We know, it’s not fair, but honestly, it’s over now. The rest of those beard lovers ruined it, move on.

Set aside a large bowl beside the bathroom sink, this will collect any tears you shed while taking a razor to that beard which has replaced all need for you to actually develop a personality. Play some uplifting and motivating music to pull you through it, we recommend Bill Conti’s score from the Rocky movie, you know the one that goes ‘bah bah bah bum, bah bah bum bum bum’.

Scrape, scrape, scrape, that’s it you’re really doing it, you are greater than the sum of your beard. We believe in you, just a few more flicks of that razor and you’ll be done.

Christ, actually, now that we look at you, keeping the beard might have been better, you’re fierce odd looking, aren’t you?

And shit, we forgot to tell you take a before and after picture for some sweet, sweet social media points. Upon reflection, we kind of fucked this one up, but still, at least this beard nonsense is over with.