Sad! A Broke David Attenborough Is Offering To Narrate People’s Lives In Exchange For Cash

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“I CHARGE extra for narrating sex stuff, just so you know”.

The unmistakable hushed whisper of David Attenborough. The universally lauded figure is relaying his price structure in a dreary London cafe, his unique timbre flowing over the room like honey.

The famed naturalist who has brought so much joy and education to the world has hit upon hard times.

“My accountant, my damned accountant, he ran off with everything, so I’m left at a loose end with no savings whatsoever,” Attenborough says, outlining just how he arrived at this most inauspicious crossroads in his life.

In an effort to earn some quick cash, the 89-year-old is doing cash in hand narrations of ordinary peoples’ lives, and business is slowly growing.

“I get all kinds, an office worker in the city wanting me to narrate his presentation as he delivers it to his boss. It adds gravitas, you know?” Attenborough says of a gig which paid out a modest £100 pounds for 2 hours work.

Sadly, the real money is in narrating things that happen in the bedroom.

“Some of the squeals, they’re more haunting than a new born boar drowning off the coast of the Bahamas. But, I can’t complain really I made a killing. Missionary, doggy, anal, 69s, you name it, I can rattle off a great number of descriptive terms, and I’ve a real flair for describing how the human anatomy flails, and giggles in the air or so I’ve discovered recently”.

Sir David shared that one orgy in Kent netted him a cool £5,000 but such lucrative opportunities have been few and far between.

“That’s why I’m speaking to the media, to get word out, that I’m willing to narrate anyone for a reasonable fee. Taking out the bins, scratching your arse, screaming at your kids, I’ll lend it that sense of awe and wonder it has been missing all this time”.

Before parting ways with the clearly desperate broadcaster, this reporter pulls out a crisp £50 note and asks Sir David to repeat several words.

“I’ve an arse like the Japanese flag, chupa chup, unique New York, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Gerrup outta that ye scoldy bollocks”.

Money well spent.

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