Get The Bikinis Out! Global Warming Catastrophe Will Be Great For Your Tan


CLASS news folks, the science boffins at NASA in the US have confirmed that February broke all previous records for global temperatures, and there’s no sign of it stopping.

What does that mean for us?

Do you want the good news or the good news? Break out the bikinis, because we are set to sizzle big style this summer as the Earth is slowly killed by what must now be the irreversible meddling of humankind. Excellent.

Goodbye dreary Irish summers, the time to hit the beaches is fast approaching and we can’t wait.

Wait, this sounds serious, what can we do to stop it?

Relax, if you don’t already have a mobile home near a beach now might be the time to get one. Goodbye pale Irish skin our ancestors so thoughtlessly bestowed upon us, hello all over tan. We’ll start to be mistaken for Spaniards next.

This does sound very worrying though, do you have any more information?

Yes, buy the smallest bikini you can get your hands on, tan lines are fucking hideous.

I just looked it up there, it says we’re in the middle of a ‘climate emergency’, fuck me this is scary.

You really know how to kill the mood don’t you, one planet’s climate emergency is another planet’s class day out at the beach. It’s all about perspective. And anyway, we’ll be long dead before our grandchildren are boiled alive.