Rural Criminal Gang Glad It Doesn’t Live In Dublin


A TIPPERARY based criminal gang is said to be in a state of shock today following news that a similar outfit from south-west Dublin had over a million euro in cars taken from them by the Criminal assets bureau, a move virtually unheard of in rural Ireland.

Speaking to WWN earlier today, gang leader Martin Connolly counted his blessings that his operations were based solely in the countryside, where Gardai are scarce, and wished his comrades in Dublin the best of luck over the coming months, dealing with the fallout of several high profile murders in the capital.

“I can’t believe they can just take their cars like that,” he said, whilst polishing the wheels on his 151 Land Rover sport. “Good thing dey closed the garda station up the road. I couldn’t be daylin’ with tha’ kinda shite at’all now. I’d like to see them trying to stale my cars. Dey’d get a hatchet in the head, dey wud”.

Connolly, who operates a substantial criminal organisation funded by laundering fuel, stealing machinery and selling wholesale illegal drugs, added that he might now move his money and valuables from its current location to his cousin’s place in Athlone, for the time being.

“As de mudder always says, it’s better to be safe than sorry,” he pointed out, now destroying several SIM cards he had in his wallet. “Dey can only take what dey think is yours, ain’t that it?

“We’ll just have to be one step ahead, like always”.

Since 2011, some 139 rural Garda stations have been closed due to austerity measures introduced by the Fine Gael/Labour coalition, saving an overall 2.5 million euros and allowing illegal entrepreneurs to flourish up and down the island.

“De real criminals are the ones elected.” Connolly concluded. “And just like dem, we’re gonna keep taking care of our own people and fuck everyone else”.